


I'm going to live on in your memories

by wasbandom



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Car Accidents, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, TOPFL August Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 13:25:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15389706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasbandom/pseuds/wasbandom
Summary: “Leave, please. Leave me alone. You're hurting me, Josh.You're presence is suffocating me, because I know this is not real and still it hurts to fucking see you in front of me like nothing ever happened! I miss you so much, that I can't bare looking at you.”





	I'm going to live on in your memories

“Hi baby.” Josh said and his eyes sparkled with love.

Tyler smiled back and reached out for Josh's face. “Hi, handsome.” Tyler said and giggled. 

“Did you sleep well, baby?” Josh shuffles, taking Tyler into his arms, where the boy could rest his head in Josh's neck, taking in his scent.

“No, actually. I – I dreamed about an accident. And it – it didn't end well.” 

A deep sigh was coming out of Josh's mouth, making Tyler shiver all over. He fought himself out of his boyfriends embrace.

“Tyler.” he said and le looked sad, miserable.

“It was not a dream.”

Tyler was confused. He laughs shortly and took his phone from beside him, not believing a single word from Josh.

There were three text messages from Mark.

\- Hi, just wanted to ask if everything is alright? Do you want me to come over today?

\- Me, again. I just wanted to say that me and Debby are going to visit the cemetery this afternoon, if you want to join, just give me a text back. Debby and me are debating what flowers Josh would have liked. You knew him better than any of us. Mind helping?

\- Tyler? It's like five pm … if something is wrong, please call me. If I don't hear from you in 30 minutes I'm coming over.

 

 

No. No. No. Tyler couldn't believe it. Everything came back to him.

The accident.

The funeral.

The empty spot that was left in his heart.

Josh was dead.

And still, he was sitting on the bed, looking calm. “This is it.” Tyler thinks. “I'm going crazy.”

Tyler felt like throwing up. His hands shake while responding to Mark.

\- I'm fine, just slept like real long. Don't bother coming. I'm ok.

He puts his phone down on the bedside table and closes his eyes, afraid to look back.

„I wish I could take your pain away.“ 

„Please, go away. You're not real. You're not real.“ he began chanting this as a mantra. 

Josh let out a sigh. „I'm here, Tyler. I'm always going to be here.”

He started crying, clutching his shirt tightly.

“It should have been me.”

“Stop, don't say that. Tyler, please look at me.”

He chocked out a sob and turned around, facing Josh.

There he was, lying on his side, hands tucked under his head, blue hair flat against his head, a small smile on his lips.

He is beautiful.

“There's my pretty boy.” he said and lifted a hand from under his head to touch Tyler's wet cheek, caressing the skin softly.

Tyler melted into his touch, tears never stopping. It should have been me. It should have been me.

“You know that this is not your fault, right? Me … dying? It was an accident, Tyler. But I'm here, baby. You can talk to me.”

Tyler actually scoffed, letting out a small chuckle. 

“Are we really doing this?” Tyler got up from the bed, away from Josh's touch.

He paced around the room avoiding Josh's worried look. He was shaking all over.

“What'sthe matter?” - “What's the matter?! Josh, yo-you're not real! You're an illusion. You're in my fucking head, torturing me. I'm going crazy. Fuck-Fuck.” he tightened his grip in his hair and pulled, wishing this nightmare to be over.

“You're dead, Josh. You're fucking dead a-and still here you are” he stopped, fingers pointing at his dead boyfriend. “You're not real and and I'm going nuts and I can't breathe, I can't - it's too much, too much.” He leaned against the bedroom door and slides down, head burring into his hands.

“I'm here because you need me,” Josh said and shuffled out of the bed. “I'm here to tell you, that you need to talk someone before it gets worse, Tyler.”

“Leave, please. Leave me alone. You're hurting me, Josh. You're presence is suffocating me, because I know this is not real and still it hurts to fucking see you in front of me like nothing ever happened! I miss you so much, that I can't bare looking at you.”

It was quiet in the room. He looked up and noticed that Josh was gone.

“Fuck, fuck!” He got up and stormed into the kitchen, ready to make himself some coffee and drown in his miserable thoughts.

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

“Have you eaten anything today?” Mark asked from the other end of the phone.

 

Mark was there when it happened. When the whole world collapsed to Tyler.

 

Tyler was playing with the ends of his yellow hoodie, Josh's favourite.

Has he eaten anything today? He's not sure. When was his last real meal? Two days ago?

“Tell him the truth, Ty.” He raises his eyes and locks them with Josh's who is standing by the window next to the couch Tyler is sitting on. 

No. Not again.

“Yes, yes I did. Eh, some scrambled eggs.”

Mark let out a sigh. “Good, good. That's nice. And eh, did you like talk to someone, you know .. besides me? Someone professional?” Mark's voice is small, trying not to upset Tyler.

 

Everything is so small now. The world is so small without Josh.

 

Tyler drifted off from the question to glance at Josh who has his arms crossed over his chest.

“You lied.” he said and walked out of the living room. Tyler followed him with his eyes.

“Tyler?” Mark asked and he could hear shuffling from the other end of the phone.

“Why should I? I mean, why should I talk to someone. M'fine.” 

“Because it's been two months and isolating yourself in your apartment isn't going to help you, Tyler.” Tyler sighs.

Josh stormed back into the living room with a little box.  
Tyler jumped from the sudden movement. 

He recognized that box.

“What the hell do you think you're doing?” he said, anger visibly showing on his face. 

He got up from the couch and dismissed the panicked “What's going on?” from Mark.

Josh sits down on the floor and leaves the box on the ground, ready to tumble it over. 

“Put that away, that is none of your business, Josh!” 

“None of my business? I can't fucking believe you, Tyler” and with that he tumbles the box over, razor blades and notebooks getting out of the little black box.

“Stop it, stop it.” - “You know why I suddenly am here? Because of this, Tyler! This!” he points at the blades.

“Tyler, you're scaring me .. what's going on? I'm coming over right now.” 

Tyler panicked. “No, no everything is fine. I'm I'm just watching some videos of me and Josh.” 

His hands are shaking as he looks at Josh's angry face.  
He didn't give Mark a second to respond. “I – I have to go Mark, t-talk to you later, ok? Bye.”  
“Ty-” 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Tyler throws the phone onto the couch.

 

“Why do you do this to yourself?” Josh said and picked a razor blade from the floor and got up.  
He waves it in front of Tyler's face.

“I did not fucking die for you to die with me, Tyler. I love you too much to see that happen and I swear to God, I will always be there to remind you, how disappointed I am in you, that you made me the reason for hurting yourself.”

Tyler takes the razor blade away from Josh's hand and throws it onto the ground.

“What're you gonna do about it, huh? You're not alive, Josh! You're gonna hunt me in my dreams, here in my fucking living room? See if I care! This is barely a problem for me!”

Josh grabs his biceps and squeezes.

“Tell me why?” he said and he has tears in his beautiful brown eyes.”

 

“BECAUSE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!  
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! NOT YOU! I WAS DISTRACTING YOU AND IT FUCKING HAPPENED AND IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME.” He falls onto the floor, clutching his chest, tears pouring down his face.

Josh is there in seconds, taking him into his chest, rocking him back and forth. 

“It wasn't your fault Tyler. It was an accident. A stupid car accident.” He kissed the top of Tyler's head and tightened his grip on his boyfriend.

“I miss you so much, Josh. I – I don't want to live without you, I love you.” 

“I miss you, too, baby.”

Josh's hand found Tyler's wrists. He rolls up his sleeves and sees the angry red lines all over Tyler's wrists. Tyler was mumbling sorry after sorry while Josh kissed every little scar.

“You need help. Please get some help.” He said and tightened his grip on Tyler.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

They're sitting at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee and talking about the concert tonight.

Tyler is fumbling around with his hands, expressing how excited he is to see NF.

“I mean, dude, I'm so pumped for this! I can't wait, I hope he is going to perform 10 feet down, cause that song gives me goosebumps!” he said, smiling brightly.

Josh smiled at him.

“What?” Tyler asked and took a gulp of his coffee. Josh was still smiling.

“Is there something on my face, babe?” he asked.

“I love you.” Josh simply said and made Tyler blush.

“Josh. Stop. Making. Me. Blush.” Tyler looked down at his cup of coffee and smiled shyly. 

“Ugh, you're gross.” Both looked up to find Mark leaning against the kitchen door with a smile on his face.

“Kiss already.” He said and started laughing.

Tyler cleared his throat and changed topic. “So, you're going to drive with us or are you taking you're own car?” 

“Nah, probably mine so I can go straight home.”

Tyler gave a thumbs up. 

“Come on now, we don't want to be late and I want to be up front.” He kissed Josh on the lips and left the kitchen to put on a light jacket. It was the beginning of Summer and the nights were still a bit chilly.

They were in the car, blasting NF as loud as they could. The highway was as full as expected on a Saturday. Tyler was loudly rapping his lungs out and Josh smiled while keeping an eye on the streets of Columbus.

“Josh?” Tyler said while cutting the volume down. Josh hummed, glancing at Tyler. “Thank you” he said and connected their hands. “I love you so much.” 

If it where for Josh, he would have stopped the car in the middle of the road, just to kiss Tyler breathless, but he squeezed Tyler's hands instead. “God, I love you so much. How can you be real?” he asked loudly to make Tyler laugh.

He opened up his window and screamed: Tyler Joseph is my hot boyfriend and he is fucking handsome and I'm the luckiest goddamn bastard in the whole world!!!!!.” 

“Oh my god, Josh. Stop!” Tyler was blushing again, trying to pull the window up from the console in the middle of the car.

“Wow, you are so dorky.” he said but chuckled as he saw the pout on Josh's face. “But I just want everybody to know.” he said and looked into Tyler's eyes. 

“Josh, eyes on the road.” Tyler said and quickly glanced forward. “Oh my god, Josh, eyes on the road, eyes on the road!!”

Josh looked straight ahead and saw that the car in front of them was stepping hard on the brakes.

Josh panicked and pulled the steering wheel to the left, not noticing that on the second lane a car was coming up really fast.

“shit!” Josh cursed and then the only thing he heard was a loud crash and loud screaming.

 

 

He slowly opened his eyes, trying hard to focus on his surroundings. 

What happened?

Everything was full of smoke, making it hard to breathe for Tyler.

His leg hurts pretty bad and something is dripping from his forehead.

He is still in the car. Weren't they supposed the be at the concert?

Panic starts to bloom. A car crash. A car crash. 

“Jo....shhh.”

HE is dizzy. He coughs and tries to move his head to look at the driver's seat.

Josh's head was pressed against the passenger window, blood pouring out and tainting the window. He is awake, but his eyes don't focus and start to slip shut.

“Oh god no.” Tyler cried out, trying to unbuckle the seat-belt. 

His hands were shaking as he crawled to Josh, chest and leg hurting so much he thought he would blackout from the pain.

He hovered over Josh's body, not knowing if he should move him or not. 

“Oh god, no no.” He cradles Josh's bloody face in his hands. “Josh? Come on baby, stay awake, we-we gotta get you some help.” 

Josh was breathing really hard, clutching his hands to his stomach. “h-h-hurts.” he said. 

The right site of Josh's face was completely cut up, glass sticking in his face. There was blood pouring down, probably from the impact with the window.

Josh was loosing consciousness, Tyler could tell. “No, no. Hey, baby? Come on, stay awake for me.”

“I love you, Tyler. I – I love you so much.” The words came out barely as a whisper.

Tyler panics.

“HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP”.

“Oh god.” Tyler looks onto his right, to see Mark next to the car, a cell phone in his hand. 

“Yeah, eh, there was an accident on the highwa...”

Tyler focuses on Josh, who looks sickly pale and on the verge of dying.

Tyler cups his face. “Please, don't leave me. Please, Josh. Please, you can't leave me.” 

Josh's eyes close. 

Tyler cries. 

An ambulance can be heard from afar.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3 months later.

“Do you think that you can move on from what happened to Josh?”

Tyler shared a look with Dr. Kole and then with Josh, who was standing at the corner of the room, eyeing him with a smile.

“Is he here, Tyler?”

“Yes.” Tyler said and played with his hands. “Yes, he's here.”.

Dr. Kole nodded.

“You not going to answer my question?” he said and smiled.

Tyler took a deep breath and closes his eyes.

“I'm scared that if I move on, he will disappear. And I don't think I'm ready for that to happen.” He opened his eyes again to see Josh lowering his gaze.

“Even if he only exists in my imagination... I can't bear the thought of him leaving me again.”

Dr. Kole scribbles something down. “And what does Josh think?”.

Josh looked up, body moving towards Tyler. 

He kneels down and takes Tyler's hands.

“I love you so much. I always will.” he kisses the top of Tyler's hands.

“But we both know that you have to move on Tyler. I know, you hate it. But I'm not here any more. I'm always going to be here” - he points at his heart - “but I can't be around to stop you from living your life."

"It's not selfish to let go Tyler. It's healthy. And it has to happen... I'm so so proud of you, baby. You got yourself some help, you join Mark more often to get out, you don't hurt yourself.”

he gives Tyler a bright smile before continuing. “I'm not needed any more.” 

Tyler cries.

“Don't be sad, baby. We spent some wonderful time together. Always remember those. The one time we went skinny dipping in Santa Monica? One of my favourite memories. You were so happy.” Tyler laughs while crying, clutching Josh's hands to his chest. “Or our first date? I took you out to the forest. You loved it there. You were always my litte monkey, climbing trees while I was worried sick.”

“Every time you feel like suffocating, than I'm always going to be there. Every time you feel like you need someone to remind you how beautiful life is, I'm going to be there. Not by presence … but by memories.”

Josh lets go of Tyler's hands and hugs him tight.

“I love you, baby boy. Always and forever.”

Tyler sobs and clutches Josh tight.

“I love you, I love you, Josh.”

The embrace stops and Tyler slowly opens his eyes, to see Dr. Kole's worried look.

He sniffs and dries his tears with his hands. Looking around the room.

 

 

Blue hair nowhere to be found.

 

 

“Everything alright?” Dr. Kole asked and hands him a tissue.

 

 

 

“Yeah.” Tyler says. “Everything is going to be alright.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I cried during the end.
> 
> I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for sad fics.
> 
> Don't be mad at me. 
> 
> And: Twenty One Pilots is back, I'm ready. Anyone seeing them at the BanditoTour? I'll see them in Cologne.  
> I did a quick Nico and The Niners cover with my ukulele if you want to check it out.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD2secXvW44
> 
> You can find me on instagram: @wendyrnd


End file.
